36/40 - Afraid Of Being An Old Dad

When I was in 6th grade, someone asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and my response was, "A Dad."

I attribute a lot of that to the great relationship and friendship I have with my Dad. I also have always loved kids. One of my favorite titles in this world is "Uncle Andy."

But after announcing to family and friends that I was going to be a father and then having the world spin out of control in a different direction, I was determined to get back to that possibility sooner rather than later.

Growing up, it was pretty clear what the life map looked like. Heck, it looked a lot like the game LIFE.

If I ever want to know what was expected of me in how I grew up, I just look at my younger brother. Meet a girl in college, get married when you're 22, get a dog, buy a house, have kids, and work at the same job for forever. I literally can see my "expected path" by just looking at him and his family.

So when my college sweet heart and I got divorced, I had two thoughts:

1. Holy crap, I've never been single as an adult before. Much less after being a part of two successful startups and in NYC!
2. I gotta get this out of my system and find someone quickly if I don't want to be an old dad.

After two years of absolute mayhem and some incredible memories, I found myself in a relationship that matured very quickly. I made it clear that I wanted a family and I didn't want to wait. She reciprocated those feelings and I, in some ways, looked the other way on things that in hindsight I know actually concerned me.  She was an amazing person from an incredible family, but in hindsight, I can see things that should have been of greater concern to me than they were.

But I was happy and grounded for the first time in a couple of years. My friends didn't say anything and neither did my family. I was happy and looked like I was in love and that was all anyone wanted for me after the divorce and having my world rocked by that change of pace.

I hadn't updated my map of the world. I was still determined to get to the family with four kids and the happy life that I'd been raised to strive for and I wasn't gonna let an eleven-year relationship and divorce get me off track of my timeline. I was determined to make it work and look the other way of things that I later realized were signs that I needed to end it.

But it was all on me in the end. I was pushing into a life that wasn't mine and wasn't for me just to check the boxes that I'd determined I needed to do in life. I didn't want to be an old dad and I was very close to that already.

Four years after post calling off the engagement, I am 40 and still don't have kids. And I've never been more sure about being a dad and that when I am, I am going be the best version of myself with the best partner I've ever had.