3/40 - Big For/With Others

It is rare to discover a defining characteristic for life at the age of two, but in hindsight, my second birthday was a foretelling of things to come. I, of course, had no idea at the time, but in looking back, it was the moment that so many other moments originated from. On my second birthday, I became a big brother.

That is correct, on my second birthday, my sister Katie was born.

We have the same birthday but are two years apart.  

I used to joke that, "I asked for a box of crayons and got a little sister instead, but in the long run it all worked out."

But something else happened that day deep in my little brain: I was no bigger than, and therefore responsible for, someone besides myself.  

My relationship with my sister, as well as my brothers, shaped a lot of how I would show up in groups. I always assumed that I needed to get things started, to set the stage or bring things together ahead of time so others could have fun. My family was the family that hosted and was the house where a lot of our friends came over to play. Preparing for my friends, or helping my siblings get things set up for their friends coming over, pushed me to always be looking just a little further ahead and anticipating what others might need or want.

Being a big brother helped me see around corners and think a few steps ahead on behalf of others.

As I grew up, that tendency expanded to include my friend group and then my professional connections as well. I discovered I had a knack for coordinating groups or an event. I  realized that I had an extra amount of energy to give when it came to bringing people together toward a common goal. I didn't need it to even be my event or my goal, I just loved bringing people together. I loved "going big brother" on a situation.  And people started to notice. And ask me to do more. And I always said yes.

"It's not my fault I am the biggest and the strongest, I don't even exercise." - Fesik, Princess Bride

But as I look back at that natural tendency now, I can see multiple times where I hit complete burnout and withdrew from everything as the pendulum swung to the complete opposite side of things seemingly in an instant.  I didn't realize I was burnt out at the time, I just knew I didn't want to keep doing what I was doing.

One time I specifically remember was finishing my sophomore year of college and heading into my junior year. I'd gone full speed my sophomore year. I was in multiple leadership roles in campus organizations, it'd started my job as a bus driver, I was working to get an internship for the summer, and I was leading two bible studies at church.

In the fall of my junior year, I had the chance to go for one of the "big" leadership positions at my school and was told that all I had to do was apply and it should be a breeze to get accepted.  I remember finishing the application an hour before it was due and knowing all I had to do was click submit. I then remember just watching the clock for the next hour and watching it turn 6:01 pm and realizing I'd "missed the window." I remember the relief that rushed over me that I didn't have to lead that group for the next year. It was only in that moment that I could see how much on autopilot I'd been in the expectations of others as to what I should do with the capacity I had to lead and be responsible for the success of groups and others.  

With great power comes great responsibility. - Uncle Ben, Spiderman

I used to see this quote and think, "If I have the ability to do something, I have to."

"To whom much is given, much is required." - Jesus, Luke 12:48

I used to see this verse and think, "I've been given so much, I have to give all of it to anyone who asks whenever they ask however they ask."

I am still learning that just because someone asks me for help with something that I know how to do doesn't mean I have to help. when or how they ask me to.

I want to always be generous with my time and talents, but I'm continually learning that just because I have the extra capacity right now, doesn't mean that I always will. I don't have to burn the oil at both ends and push myself harder than I can handle just because someone asked.

Another valuable thing that being a big brother also taught me, that it took a while for me to understand, was true was how to set boundaries and how to step back and watch others do it for themselves. I was able to do things faster and more efficiently than my younger siblings for a long time - I had at least a two-year head start on learning things. But eventually, the world was way better when they were doing things for themselves and we could all play at the same level.

Being "big for" others is absolutely an honor and a privilege. It is an instant ego boost and reaffirms the pecking order. But it drains you.

But being "big with" others is even more valuable and rewarding in the long run. It makes the whole group better and gives way to everyone having more capacity for themselves and others in the future.